Life is what happens...

Thank you so much for visiting my little blog. YES!! At least one person is reading this, even if you clicked on this link by accident, I feel completely and utterly accomplished. Thank you.

How this began

In October of last year I was galivanting across Napa drinking fine wine on mountainsides, coparenting two active and wonderful yet hormonal tweenage boys and starting a new career. Then, less than a month later I was diagnosed with just a teeny tiny bit of stage IV lung cancer. Which had spread to my brain. W…T…F. Initially I thought I was pretty much done fore and I prepared to just go and lay down somewhere. But, apparently there are many advances in treatment so I’ve got more time than I thought. However much time it is I don't know, but I’m grateful and making the most of it. Luckily, (or unluckily, however you decide to look at it) I’m one of the 15% of hardly or never smokers who have a cellular mutation that causes lung cancer. So basically, no one wants this but if you’re going to catch cancer this is THEE Bentley of lung cancers, or so my doctors say. So no chemo or radiation and I can take a pill, which is absolutely fine with me. My hair doesn’t comprise the same amount of mental real estate it did a few months ago, but I’d still like to keep it.

There’s no telling how long the pill will work, it could be months or it could be many years. Oncologists say either way, I’ll always be treating this but I’ll share a secret with you: Even though it probably defies logic and reason, science in general and well trained oncologists- I am planning on a full and complete recovery. I've learned there are constantly new advances in research and treatment. The drug that is helping to save my life was only approved a few years ago. We live in an amazing time.

You’re probably wondering, how did this possibly get to stage IV without me knowing? Have I ever heard of a thing called an annual physical and wouldn’t they have detected it? Well, yes I have but unfortunately no it wouldn't. I’ve learned my annual chit-chat and 'high five see you next time' with my primary care physician has been an imaginary security blanket of sorts. In general, a physical won’t detect lung cancer and blood tests, well those jerks, were pretty much useless as well.

I’ve also learned lung cancer is stealth af. It can’t be felt early on, so it hangs out in the lungs like the quiet neighbor you don’t realize is a problem until it starts making threats, infringing on your life, draining your energy and stealing your most coveted yard tools. So it was only detected when I got to the point where I felt like complete, undeniable shit, even by an exhausted mom’s standards, and my now dear husband Glenn drove me to the ER.  

My so called fight.

All of that to say, I’m not “fighting” this per se. Fighting. That’s not how I want to spend my days. In my spiritual practice, I’ve learned that whatever we fight becomes more and more amplified. Another way to say this is “What we resist, persists.” As well, even though doctors tell me this is simply “bad luck”, I have a hard time trusting that. (You’ll find I have a general mistrust of doctors in general). In my view, doctors do a great job at prescribing drugs but often ignore the mind and body connection.

For example, after my divorce and years of being a coparenting mom, self care wasn’t just an afterthought, it was non existent. It wasn’t until the recent few years that I finally began learning not only what it is ("Oooh, so it’s not just bubble baths and aromatherapy?"), but how to implement it in my daily life. But alas, possibly a little late. I have to imagine that stress had something to do with this.

In addition to stress, metaphysically speaking, some believe cancer can be caused by our thoughts. Hmmm… childhood trauma, a divorce, navigating full time job of corporate America as a black women AND a full time single mom, (how’s THAT supposed to work?) and taking a swim in the dating pool (did y’all hear there’s pee in it??) … I might have possibly maybe had a few less than positive thoughts and unresolved emotions over the past few years… So now, with a few potential causes, I’m approaching this situation as if I’m shaving under my arms. (I.e. from a few different directions). Listening to my doctors, creating more ease in my life, changing some thoughts and beliefs that may no longer be serving me. And focusing on positive aspects of life, not that other little insignificant thing that starts with the letter C.

For all intents and purposes, I feel pretty well aside from an often late afternoon nap. But truth be told, naps and I go way back so that’s not really anything new. I walk and/or do yoga every single day but how boring is that, I really need to step things up. I’ve started pickleball lessons. The jury is still out on that one. I have some muscle stiffness which doesn’t make any sense to me because I don’t have bone cancer, make that make sense. I’m not in pain and my breathing is fine, which I’m happy about with every breath.

One of my rules… Since I believe our words are powerful, I don’t take ownership or admit to “having” anything. I might have a diagnosis but that’s all it is. As far as I’m concerned, this is simply something that’s passing through. It’s not mine. I don’t claim it. This was delivered to me I suppose, but it’s at the wrong address. Part of my healing process is thinking only well and healing thoughts so for that reason I only use positive words. I'm using this experience as a wakeup call more than anything. A call to put myself and my mental, physical and spiritual wellness first. To not sweat the small stuff. Things like my cable company overcharging me for over 2 years. Maybe this is something I can let go. Sometimes my thoughts do get away from me, I’m not perfect but I’ll save that for another day, another post.

Not today

After the initial few weeks of shock and disappointment, I had to ask myself if I was going to wallow in negativity or live every ounce of life as it was intended with happiness, joy, love. For me there was no in between and I'm committed to this. Of course I could give up, I could let this steal my joy. This could after all take me out. But not for today I say. Not today.